Gnu Sex Shun

Yeah, I know it’s a cheap way to get your attention but I’ve been told that this is the way to sell stuff. I mean magazines have been doing it since forever — include the word “sex” on their front pages. Studies*¹ have shown that 87%*² of the magazines at any given magazine rack contain the word “sex” on their covers (e.g. 8 Mindblowing Sex Tips for 2008). There have even been times when religious publications have used it (e.g Sex: When is the right time to do it?). So yeah, I’m using this trick now. Unfortunately this post has got nothing to do with sex. This is about my blog’s new section (and the title’s just supposed to be a word play for that. Well, the titles on some of my other posts were also word plays so… meh).

I have noticed that lately my posts have been so useless and boring that I’ve decided to start a new section that will hopefully spice things up. If this succeeds it will no longer be boring; just useless. But I still don’t know how this would work out since I just copied this idea from somewhere and I don’t know if my mysterious writer can keep up with the growing number of questions thrown at me, that I’m throwing at him… or her.

Without further ado, I give you my latest section that will be a regular-ish section called “The Mysterious Zen Monk Answers Questions”. Or TMZMAQ for short. I hope you’ll enjoy it.

Click to view → TMZMAQ.

*¹ Leslie-Nielsen & GMA Study on Philippine Magazine Covers, January 2008
*² A made-up number, of course. It’s been said that 37% of the numbers in this blog is entirely made-up.

Noose Flush

Just to make up for the lost time and to make you read my old posts again, I do have an update regarding the lost PJs — I got it back.

Having said that, if you do have any other public announcements that you need to make, blog posting is the way to do it. Have it posted in as many blogs possible because apparently, that’s how people do it these days. They would sometimes delay communication by having the comunicatee read the communicator’s blog. Here’s a true story to illustrate this phenomenon (names were changed for fun):

Linda Lovelace: Hoy bruha, kumusta ka na? (Hey wassup, witch?)
Xerex Xaviera: Hay naku basahin mo na lang ang latest blog post ko… (Just read my latest blog post, dammit…)

Note: Xerex Xaviera is not a real witch but sometimes when you look into her eyes, you will see that everything is upside down. Creepy? Yes, I think so.

Different variations of that conversation take place everyday at every moment all over the world but they all end with one person answering a question by asking the other to check his/her blog. It’s crazy, I know, but c’est la vie (yes, I know how to speak a little Canadian ).

By the way, I’m still missing one more pair of PJs so please return it to me, you-know-who-you-are. They’re my favorite pair (even if they’re so tight that they leave garter marks).

Mightier Than Sword

I miss writing. I know that is a very gay thing to say but yes, I actually do miss writing. It’s been weeks since I’ve last written and I fear that if I don’t write everyday I’m not gonna get my Palancas anymore. Yes, baby gurl, that’s in plural form. But that’s not really my topic now, is it? Nope it sure isn’t. What I’d really want to tell you is why I haven’t been writing. I don’t care if you don’t care why, but reading this post was already written in your little chapter on the “Book of Life” long before you were born (Long live determinism!). Hopefully the post title and picture here have already provided enough intrigue for you to read on.

Anyways, the reason why I’ve been slacking off with my writing is that I’ve been practicing my sword skills these past few weeks. Inasmuch as I may like writing very much, brandishing my sword is actually more fun (or to continue the tradition — fun-ner) and enjoyable. And by “practicing sword skills” I don’t mean via swordfighting, because in Pinoy slang that’s espadahan and trust me, you don’t really wanna go there (or maybe you do, in which case I now give you back your free will and read something else… but since you’re already here just read on). Nope, this is still about a sword but of a different sort. And yes, I’m gonna be annoying again by talking in symbols and double-meanings and stuff which are actually quite easy to decipher anyways. Or are they?

I have thought that over the years my sword skills have gone rusty but as soon as I got a hold of it again… well I wanted to say that “it was like riding a bike” except that using a different analogy to describe another analogy can be quite confusing so I’d rather not and so anyways… as soon as the sword was in my hands once again, I was swishing with great dexterity to the amazement of the other warriors. It was like the twelfth century was here and now and I was Aldo Nadi (I just googled “greatest swordsman”). Well, Rurouni Kenshin is probably cooler than Nadi except that Kenshin isn’t a real person no matter what his fans say. So yeah, it was like I was Nadi except that I was holding a badass sword like the picture in this post and not a sissy fencing sword. It was amazing and I still get light-headed (and big-headed) from the feeling of admiration from enthusiasts and respect from fellow warriors. My next project is to be able to master how to double-wield swords. And, as Barney in HIMYM would say: it’s gonna be legendary!

Yes, folks, I cannot just write all the time. Forget Palanca. We all must remember the way of the sword. And besides, the pen is only mightier than the sword from a distance greater than 5 feet.

Thicker Than Water

Prophecies and omens are tricky bastards, they could have more than one meaning or none at all. No matter how I wish it was that simple, life just never is. So here’s a prose that I will file under ‘Poetry’ just because I can.

Rhesus monkeys having a good time

It was winter and there was an unfamiliar chill in the air; it was also that same winter when I felt an unfamiliar chill in my heart. It was the chill that would be the omen of things that will end and the prophecy of things to come.

My blood curdled; it ran cold.

For the omen, it spoke, first of all, of the faithless lover and wayward daughter. It spoke of lost passports and lost friendships, of soul-stealing executive offers and plunging stock prices. It also spoke of married women cooking sisig out of male chauvinistic pigs, and of a midnight tryst and unlimited texting.

The beginning of bad blood, among others, that’s how it appeared to me.

For the prophecy, it spoke of food and sustenance, of gold and frankincense and myrrh. It spoke of shiny faces and double phases, of curtain-less windows and A-cup bosoms, of hosting gigs and airplane tickets, of authentic paella meals and ethnic balut vendors, of newfound talents and supportive groupies, of underwater adventures and sexytym techniques.

Blood may slow you down, but it should never stop you. Never mind the siege against your olfactory glands, although I still believe that there’s nothing like the smell of pH Care™.

What do you think?

Water Cooler Story

One of the most important office equipment is the water cooler. Especially in our office where the AC is like a woman experiencing PMS, throwing tantrums that turn our office into the arctic one day and then desert island the next. But most of the time it’s desert island (which I hate because I can’t make porma with my jacket ). So anyways, we have a water cooler (that also has a heater btw, but I don’t use that function often enough so I’ll just call it water cooler). We actually have four, two of which are in our area, located in rooms A and B as illustrated by the blue dots below.

Figure 1. Yes, I have free time to make crude illustrations. What’s a man to do, I was just waiting for my ride to come.

If you still haven’t figured it out, the “me” there is where my desk is. You may have guessed that since I’m nearest to the water cooler in room A then that’s where I go when I’m thirsty. But you’re wrong because room A is a training room that always have people in it, I can’t really go in and out of there freely so I get my water from room B as shown by the following figure:

Figure 2. Like Figure 1 but with lines.

So for a very long time I had to stand up and get my water from room B until a few weeks ago when the water cooler there broke down and kept on leaking like a man with VD. The water cooler supplier, who’s also our water supplier, actually tried to replace the equipment a couple of times but apparently all the service units they had were also stricken with gonorrhea so the admin was forced to take the water cooler outside of room B and place it right behind me:

Figure 3. Like Figure 1 but with more dots.

So whenever I felt thirsty, all I had to do was to slide my chair backwards, refill my tumbler, and voila, my thirst was quenched instantly! Food needs pushing in my throat? Just slide backwards. Water break? Slide backwards. Worried if I have already reached my 8-glasses-a-day quota? Slide backwards and drink up anyway.

But just like every good thing, there’s an accompanying downside to it. Well, downsides, actually. With the water cooler so near, I was probably getting more than 8 glasses a day and I was taking too many trips to the bathroom (People were probably already beginning to suspect that I’m leaky, too?). Since there was already only one water cooler in our area, everyone, including the ones in room A, had to get water from the one at my back. It distracts me from my work. The greatest downside for me, however, was that whenever the cooler runs out of water, I feel somehow responsible to refill it even if I wasn’t the one who drained it of its precious contents (Actually, not once have I refilled it since it was brought to my vicinity; I just didn’t like the feeling, hehehe).

Anyways, I don’t have to worry about that anymore because last week our supplier has found a replacement to the one in room B, so admin had to take away the water cooler behind me (see Figure 1). I miss that water cooler even if it was there for only a couple of weeks. Indeed, I’m a creature of habit even if I don’t want to admit it. Every so often I still slide backwards only to be met by a vacant spot. Out of habit, I slide backwards when all I really need is to slide forward.

Holy scheisse, Of course I’m also talking figuratively here and there just might be some lessons to be learned. I think. What did you learn?

Gimme Back My PJs

They say that more people write poems than read them. With all the junk that people write on the net, this is probably true. I’m trying to reverse this phenomenon by making you read this poem that I wrote. Anyways, this is a form of poetry that is loosely based on what the French call villanelle. I, on the other hand, call it a public service announcement. And an excuse for writing something on the 8th day of 2008. Enjoy!

Eversince you’ve been to my 5-in-1
Let you do the #1, the #2 but not the #3
My PJs I wonder where they’ve gone

To the inviting crib you’ve come undone
Slippery, hairy, surprisingly ready
Eversince you’ve been to my 5-in-1

It was all a blur, firing like a machine-gun
Until I had to let go, set it all free
My PJs I wonder where they’ve gone

Drank you have, gulping all and left none
Everything in me was smiling, even my goatee
Eversince you’ve been to my 5-in-1

But then you fled without notice at dawn
The doors unlocked; in went the banshee
My PJs I wonder where they’ve gone

Long have I waited for your caramel bun
That I can never touch, oh no siree
Eversince you’ve been to my 5-in-1
My PJs I wonder where they’ve gone

Half Empty

You know what sucks about long vacations that are fun and enjoyable? It’s the time when you return from the trip.

Say you go out of town with your closest friends, probably to Palawan to go scuba diving, then you move to Bohol for some chocolate-hilly-Tarsier fun (I have no idea what it is, but for this purpose let’s just assume that it’s an ultra-fun activity or activities of your choice involving chocolate hills and Tarsiers). After that, you go to Cebu to… I don’t know… probably see your crush and eat lots of Talisay lechon (yumyum!), then proceed to Boracay for more hedonistic activities. To digress a bit, notice that I’m partial to places in the Visayas area. That’s because I’m from Mindanao. It doesn’t explain anything but hey, this is just a digression and wordpress says that my word count is currently 212 and I gotta give you something long to read. So anyways, going back to the point, you basically go on vacation and have tons of fun.

Then you go home and this is when things start to go bad. Sure you probably could still feel some leftover high from the trip while unpacking your backpack with your pasalubongs. And then you realize that the fun’s over and that you have to go back to work. Fun long vacations create that stark contrast. With all the fun you had on the trip, it kinda makes you realize how un-fun your regular life is. Towards the end of a vacation we usually say that we are “going back to reality” which really makes matters worse because the “reality” to which we are going back is sucky. I mean, really, if we are willing to accept that reality equals sucky then it’s also saying that we are living a sad life.

So what do we do about it? I’m not sure about you, but my life is awesome. You, on the other hand, your life sucks. So what I recommend for you is to not make any big aberration from your normal routine. If you must go on vacation, don’t have fun. If you must have fun, don’t have too much of it. Make it a bit sucky. That way, you can go back to work without feeling much of a difference — your life is still in its usual suckiness.

Happy New Year! Hope you’re having (or you’ve had) a wonderful vacation!

Exposed to the Elements

Photo credits: All pictures here were taken by Bert. Or at least by his wonderful camera. Except for the last one.

Due to popular demand (around… lemme see… one person), I shall be blogging about our awesome Christmas party. But first I will play DotA. *play*play*play*

Mmkay… where was I… oh yes… our awesome Christmas party. So the theme for this year was Encantadia (which, btw, is so 2006). Unlike our Cebu office’s Christmas theme which was “Going Global, Greening Local” (Yes, seriously), ours was, well… Encantadia. Or was it “Magical Enchanted Christmas Extravaganza”? Basta, there’s Encantadia and there’s also Christmas in it. It was the same with Cebu because we also had to dress up in costumes. The difference was that they wore animal costumes (I guess coz whenever there’s some “greening local” going on, the animals can’t be too far away). We, on the other hand, wore costumes related to our assigned elements — Water, Air, Fire, Earth, Light, and Darkness. Yeah, they kinda lost me too when they said Darkness, but hey, if Christmas Committee say that those are the elements then elements they shall be. Such power-trippers, these Kriskom members.

The venue this year was at Father Blanco’s Garden at Intramuros. It had a very nice garden setting providing for a great outdoor party. Very. Boring. Description.

Like moths to the fire

Now, I’ll discuss what each group wore for their costumes.

Water

For Water, they had these flowing blue satin gay dress with matching face paint. They kinda looked like the Greeks of old times. Here’s a picture.

Gay Geeks of yore

Air

Air Elementals had yellow see-through lacey thingies and they all had the same shoes! It was pretty impressive. I know I was impressed and if I were the judge, they’d have won the Best in Costume for Group Category. But I wasn’t, so they didn’t win. Here they are in their lacey glory.

Behold our armpits! Absolutely hairless!

Fire

Now Fire, they were the winner for Best in Costume because… I dunno, I guess they looked good together. They dressed up as fire elves. They had hats, elven ears, and fiery shoulders all made out of cardboard! They were also wearing matching shorts and stockings (You read it right… they wore stockings!) to hide the unsightly leg hairs (Did I mention that they were mostly boys? Yup, only 2 girls in the group). And they said that it was all for P200/elf. If it’s true, then I feel really bad for group Air who bought matching shoes and laces and other yellow stuff.

Hi-ho! Hi-ho! In stockings we will go!

Earth

Earth probably had the most pathetic attempt at costume. They wore something brown or green (but mostly brown). Or should I say, we wore something brown. Yup, I was part of the Earth group who lacked enough imagination and effort to think of a costume for our element. So we wore brown. It was either brown shirt, brown pants, brownish dress, brown red polo, as long as it’s something brown. Or green. I wore a brown shirt, jeans, and a green dwarven Christmas hat that actually made me look more like a court jester than a dwarf. I was able to borrow a suit so I looked like a court jester in suit (and since we’re already talking about me, when I attended the Cebu party, I was a peacock. Or rather, I wore a hat of a peacock. If peacocks have hats, that is). Here we are in our pathetic brown-green glory.

Somebody’s gotta play the part of humans

Light

The elementals from Light didn’t look bad at all with their yellow get-up… and I’m starting to forget what they look like. Without the pictures, I couldn’t even describe them anymore so just look at it. What I remember, though, is that the girls also wore matching shoes, earrings, and head ornaments as well. Also, definitely more than P200/elemental.

Yellow Greeks

Yellow

And for the highly questionable element Darkness, they just basically wore black and dark-colored clothing. Their advantage over us was that their girls had wings. And yes, they wore make-up, too. Here’s a nice shot of the “flying Darkness gurls”.

After 17 takes, everybody’s feet were finally off the ground

Food

The food was certainly not the highlight of the party. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t spectacular either. The selection was very limited and I don’t even remember if there was beef. Or was it pork that was missing? Hmm, anyways I was kinda looking for lechon because I was a little bitin from last week’s Cebu trip.

Highlights

The party’s major highlights were the group presentations and great hosting. Especially the great hosting. Oh, did I mention I was one of the hosts? Well, I was. Here’s our pic.

That’s a lot of hosts. It’s like a host of hosts! *Kidlat!*

For me, group Fire definitely deserved to win the best presentation just because I had a lot of fun watching them. You might have a different opinion, but I don’t really care. Here are more pics of the presentations just to make this post super long.

I’m flying, Jack! Can you see my armpits?

No idea what their presentation was all about, but as long as there are girls in short dresses, it’s all good!

The camera wasn’t able to capture it, but it’s actually a well-choreographed lipsynch-and-dance number

Singing Christmas Carols for our presentation. If you think we could only be unimaginative with our costume, how dare you underestimate us?

Laugh trip! If only there was a video of this somewhere… e di papanoorin ko

And for the finale, this is my plus one, my hawt deit.

Yup, that’s a peek-a-boo right on the side. And did I mention she’s hawt?

I’m trying to stir up controversy here so I expect comments, dammit!

Parables

When I finally try to get some sleep at 4am and it’s not because of DotA then I know that life is improving. Or is it?

So last week’s hosting gig at Cebu was kind of like my practice session for last night’s performance. My throat hurts like hell from all the talking and voice modulation and it might just be possible that gay people are jealous of this ache in my throat. Or are they?

People have been saying that we should follow our hearts and that we’ll know that we’re doing the right thing because our hearts will tell us so. This could just be it. Or could it?

Yeah, I know, this is a lame post but my muse continually refuses to visit me… the bitch! But hey, it’s all good. We’ll see if my Lilith-less writings will take my other drafts (like “Bactidol and why AAISI’s Christmas Party is Fun-ner“) off the pending list.

Bactidol and Why AAISI’s Christmas Party is Fun-ner

The feedback from those who have attended both our Christmas party and that of our sister company’s has always been consistent and unanimous — that theirs is so much more fun than ours. Naturally I was intrigued by that idea and there was this one time when I finally was able to attend their party. Well, only partially, but even then it was truly fun fun fun. Yes, I had to say it 3 times.

So what makes it 3 times more fun anyways? (”More fun” because there’s really no such word as “fun-ner”) So I cooked up a list of what they have that we don’t.

1. Alcohol - With inhibitions out of the room, there’s only fun left to go around. The crowd’s rowdiness and raunchiness is directly proportional to the amount of their alcohol intake. Think about it, we only have water for our ceremonial kampai. How lame is that?

2. Bading - Every great party has to have at least one openly gay person. Or at least one who’s playing the part anyways. Why? Because you could always ask them to sing or dance or do like a presentation of sorts just because they are too talented and… too happy as well. Plus, they sometimes do the hair and make-up for you. And for free, too! While they have drag queens who can belt it out, we, on the other hand, have only untalented gay wannabes. Ay si Jim talented pala. But he doesn’t do drag so…

3. Small Group - A small, tightly-coupled group who know each other well will make sure that everyone is familiar with the context of the activities. Everybody gets the inside joke, or at least there’s always someone who’ll be able to explain it to those who don’t. We’re like three times as many as they are (It’s a made-up number but the number 3 seems to keep things “in theme”). And if you have this much people, it’s kinda hard to know everyone and their background, their relationships with one another, etc. Unless, of course, if you’re an autistic idiot savant with a knack for that stuff.

I’m sure there are more reasons but I only said “fun fun fun” so I’m only obliged to say 3 of them.

But wait, my writing doesn’t end here.

If you were paying attention, the title did mention something about the oral antiseptic Bactidol. So where is it? Okay, hold on to your seats coz here’s when it’s gonna get windy.

Sure, I always try to go to the other party whenever I’m invited and I’m already starting to feel like a traitor. And I do not really enjoy this Judas-like feeling. So this year, I have resolved that I will single-handedly change all that. Okay, maybe “single-handedly” is too arrogant a term but hey, blogs are supposed to be a self-centered ego trip. So anyways, I have resolved that I will make our party fun-ner (screw grammar) with the help of Bactidol.

During the planning stage of the party, I already volunteered to be one of the hosts, or the emcees if you like. It was all good, except that I was scheduled to go to a business trip during the party so I was thinking, “Aw shucks, without me papano na magiging fun ang party namin?” It was just unimaginable. Fortunately (for the party, not so much for my project) I got a lucky break with DFA (another story) and I’m gonna party next week.

So where does Bactidol fit in? Bactidol is for soothing my throat after all the modulation. Wish me luck.